Tomorrow is Christmas.
I’ve never really been a fan of Christmas. At an early age, I figured out that Santa wasn’t real and that there was no fat man coming down the chimney; we didn’t even have a chimney, for God’s sake. It may be part of Korean culture, but there was no fantasy of Santa Claus giving presents needed, as I didn’t feel like I needed much to begin with.
The spirit of giving is something that’s grown on me over time. When I was younger, I was always given things and pretty much unable to give anything back, just because I was so self-absorbed — even more so than other children — and because my mom doesn’t seem to like getting things. Even small things she would hate getting, such as an extra bowl of rice at the dinner table or a coupon to Kohl’s. But when she did get something special from me and Julia, whether it be a birthday card or a bouquet of roses, she’d appreciate it very much.
For me though, I don’t like to get things at all. I don’t feel as if I deserve it. I am still trying to work out whether this is part of shame or guilt. I would presume shame, as if I had proper self-esteem I would say I would deserve gifts given to me, and the other part is, of course, I’ve never really had many friends to exchange gifts with already.
I don’t dislike Christmas. We used to go skiing every year on the day, and we tried to make it a tradition. Well, my dad did until one year he just stopped going and we didn’t do it again. Refusal to commit runs in the family, I suppose. An extra day of freedom also never hurts – that’s the main reason I don’t mind it.
As I’ve grown older, I understand now the warmness that comes with giving and the thought of giving others what makes them happy. Unfortunately, I am better at knowing what makes other people unhappy than what actually makes them happy. Call it narcissism, whatever, IDC. But this is something I will have to learn properly over time.
KEVIN KIM 