damn, it took me a while to realize that my mom is just simply a narcissist.
She has to have the upper hand in any situation and have to control me in any way possible in order to function as a human being. She is just a bad being in itself. I guess that’s what it means to have certain functions in your numerology.
But what does that mean, how does that fit into my own life?
I really thought I was a narcissist for a very long time :(. I really did, and I still have thoughts of being self-centered. Mom can literally only think about herself, she does not realize what she is doing right or wrong. She is just sucking up energy and wants sympathy for her bullshit all the time, just manipulative. But she is my mother. She wants to love! I have just been golden child-ed from the get-go. I have just simply received benefits.
She is my mother. I am like, legally, mentally obligated to love her. But I cannot, as she cannot love me in any way. She is too involved in her own self to care anything at all about her son.
So what can I do? When I am old, I have to take care of her. Lol, no I don’t. But holy shit, I wish to all god that she was not my mother in my life. Literally every interaction with her I feel like shit afterwards. If I’m going to have any form of self-love I need to detach myself from her shitty ways.
Unfortunately, this comes off as a narcissistic function myself. I have almost come to the point where I do not even care whether she lives or dies because of the damage that is done to me. However, I must learn to forgive, as for else I will not have any healthy relationships with my children either.
Not only must I forgive myself, I must forgive others, too. They are monsters because they are monsters, they are in this world for a reason too. I am just scared that I’ll get fucked over by someone like them but at least I know how to deal with them now. One must be careful and safe.
KEVIN KIM 