I think I’m learning how to better integrate different parts of myself into a whole being. The general aspects of my being are still intact, and will always be, but there are certain things I can feel in myself that are simply growing.
First off, a thank you. I guess people just think of myself as some manipulative fuck, and… unfortunately, I guess I am. Though, yes – manipulation occurs in all shapes and forms, when one’s inherent nature is to get things done through those types of means, it can be quite destructive to other people. I think it’s best to understand that with great power comes great responsibility, or at least, great personal willpower that must be tamed for better or worse.
In fact, throwing fireballs may be inherent to my nature. *PK Fiyah* I suppose there are some people who simply just can’t handle the force of being that I am. Unfortunately, this sounds a bit too poetic and narcissistic, but it simply seems to be true – at least on first instinct. But in reality, I’m just a nice guy.
I often wonder how much of an impact our Facebook escapades actually have had on people in real life. Our friend group back then was just serial trolling, and even though it happened so damn long ago, so many people watched/read/commented/liked our posts and our methods of interaction, we battled hard, man. Psychological battles were really centered on wittiness and just plain drama. Holy crap, bro. Like Nicky said. We been through… a lot, man. We really have. The methods we used for psychological welfare were short but sweet and over long periods of time and simply well-documented simply due to the amount of attention we were getting.
I wish I knew what exactly the point of what I’m typing all of this out is. I have been struggling with my sexuality for some time, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I probably am gay. However, my thoughts don’t coincide with these feelings so I am still unsure. You know what they say, call a person a pig a hundred times, the 101st time they will oink. (Where the fuck did I get this from?) It’s kind of lazy but easy to say that I’m bisexual… this’ll be what I have to go with. (End gaslighting here lmao!)
But at the end of the day, who the fuck cares? We live life. Good things happen, bad things happen. Happiness, sadness, anger, grief, relief, lust, euphoria, rest, contain. Opening and closing the communication barriers between us in order to understand, love, exploit, create, destroy, to think, to moralize. For me, for inner peace and external love. For some others, to create. For yet others, to move ahead, make money. For some others, to persevere, to love themselves. And for others, to be happy.
Yet, don’t we all want all of these things? It may not be our paths, but who doesn’t want great things, who doesn’t have goals in their lives? Who doesn’t work hard?
In some ways, we are all one, we are all together. That’s my path, and that’s who I am, always will be. The identification of some truths are what’s needed for a being like myself to move on. But no matter the actions, what it seems like on the outside – there is always a desire to give, a desire to – please?
I can feel Ryuk is watching from above, dropping death notes to those who he feels like deserves them. Thank you, Ryuk. But at this point, I must renounce my notebook. Kira came at it as a form of justice, while for me it’s just a killer mindset with a blue heart and a rainbow soul. I don’t have the necessary requirements to kill – I can only get them close. But I cannot finish it, because my heart contains the highest power of them all.
Who CAN finish it? Well, Adam Lanza was unable to break his early childhood traumas. With some proper love from his father, and maybe just an inkling of “hey, I care” then maybe he would have had second thoughts about his incredibly carefully planned out premeditated murder. Cho-Seung Hui, an incredibly kind and sociable fellow who was constantly deemed weird because his personality did not meet traditional Korean standards, looked for that one last hope of love before descending into killer status.
My job is to make sure that doesn’t happen, to preserve parts of the human race, to use my knowledge for the betterment of the world. The truth will set us free.
Because – at least in the human realm – love is the answer.
KEVIN KIM 