I’m just lonely, ok.

This mbti stuff is really interesting. There is so much to learn. I am an ISTP. Now I will go to judging everybody’s personality type lol.

It’s like day 2 of not smoking weed. I feel like absolute trash. I have slept half an hour in the last 36? hours. Definitely not keeping count. Watched a shitload of videos on personality traits, mostly ISTP. Lol, yeah that’s my fucking trait for sure.

I have no focus right now. I have to taken responsibility for MYSELF. That is what I am going to focus the next few days. I also do need to go to the gym and apply for more jobs.

I want to develop some sort of discipline so I can live life in a more satisfying life, really.

Honestly I just wish I had a dad that gave a shit about me, and expressed it. Just fucking talk man. How the fuck do you go 50 years and avoid everyone around you have develop no sales skills and have no interest in your own son’s well-being. Pretty fucking sad.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

I have been a narcissist for the first 24 years of my life. Actually, that may not be true, but my behavior closely resembles it. Part of it is not my fault, but part of it is. I created social outcastism by constantly offending others.

Whether that is fair is not the point. I have to understand that shit goes both ways. The Golden Rule does stay intact, the way you treat other people ends up being the way they treat you. Be kind and respectful.

I have also been very passive-aggressive. I have liked to spread gossip.

This is bullshit. No reason to continue playing status games. The goal of status games is fame. I don’t want fame. I want money, health, and stability for my family.

I need to start working 70 hours a week. It is going to be hard. REALLY HARD. I am going to need to learn to manage my time and life. I am going to make that my reality, consisting of two jobs of synthesis and intent. Numerics too. Lol. I’m just saying the names of the things. Let me be more clear.

I need to get a sales job. Everything in life, in fact, is sales, and I guess I need to treat it as such. That’s the intent part. I have never really been good at that. I am not 100% devoted to that yet. I believe a synthesis job is something similar to the headhunter position. I have always understood how to connect people in different ways I think? I don’t know.

What are some good synthesis jobs? Maybe headhunting. Anything that connects one person to another. It is not easy. For me perhaps it is easier communicating ideas. Maybe that is what I should work on. Accurately assessing my skills is also necessary perhaps.

From a young age, I have always had a very difficult time putting my feelings into words. Perhaps it is because my parents always absent or excuse their feelings, or it is because I am just a thinking type that tends to ignore that type of people interaction, even if I choose not to. It ends up being something similar to the effect of “I don’t care. I’m sad. I’m angry.” Just simple, little statements, facts about the situation apparently have been suffice enough to explain my emotion at the current time.

Nowadays, I know better. I now know that emotions are complicated. Many different things contribute to one particular part of your life that manifests in how you feel at a given point. I get it. But what do I do about it when I feel uncomfortable in one way or another. Sad, angry, mad, whatever. Each situation is different, of course. But how do I identify and regulate my emotions properly?

It is unfortunate that my parents were never really parents and taught me any life skills or enforced any form of parenting upon me. It is unfortunate that my shitty victim-blaming skills have caused me to yet again blame my parents. I need to be the one taking accountability for my own action. But how can I do that?

More importantly, why should I do that?

Just got back from the poker room. Won a bunch of money again, this time $300 something. I ended up with 597 after coming in for $150.

I was playing mostly 1/2 NL. I was very aggressive in a table of passive players, a lot of them pre-flop calling hands like AQo instead of raising. It definitely played to my advantage as I had a 3-bet/raise range of like QTs+ J9s+ A5s+ ATo+. Whatever. Not important. I stayed quiet most of the time, speaking up once when some huge black dude started blaming the cute dealer. LOL. Dude had queens to a 3bet jacks while dude to the left of me 4-bet all in with 77, so I kinda put him in his place a bit.

Did I play any crazy hands? Not really. It was a pretty soft table; I won a lot of hands, while another dude at the other side was also aggressive, he won some hands too. There was one spot where a dude told me I was shaking whenever I won a pot, so I checked that. It’s cuz of the nerves, man.

To be honest, I got really lucky. It was a soft table and my hands were generally pretty good overall. Either way, it was fun.

I’ll go back again tomorrow.

I’ve consciously understood that I’ve been having random outbursts for a while now. To be honest, they’re not random, and honestly I have felt like I could control them if I wanted to. However, I don’t actually care all that much. I just want to feel feeling sometimes and sometimes that’s how it goes about. This is something I’m going to need to talk with my betterhelp therapist tbh

About to go on my first acid trip. It is 11:43PM. I am scared, nervous, and excited. Yes, I am alone. Yes, I am somewhat prepared. I have this laptop in front of me to record all these thoughts.

It’s been like three minutes. I’ve felt the severity of the chemicals enter my bloodstream, or my brain, I’m not sure which. There was subtle impact. Now I am just waiting for it to take place, really.

12:15 ish, starting to laugh a lot, not even on any weed at all. Starting to get shortness of breath, just chillin. I feel good man.

12:30. Still laughing, still chillin. Still got like 15 min left. Not much has happened yet I’m just waiting for the impact, really. Thinking of getting some tea. Warm foods may be good in a little while.

12:35. I smoked a bowl. I’m feeling really lethargic, extremely happy! More than just forcibly laughing, I feel genuinely happy and am smiling. I want to keep a happy mood going.

Read something online about something about thought loops. Yeah, I’ll probably try to resist them. They’ll end up coming back about something about thought loops. LOL!!

Yeah, but I don’t see anything quite yet. My words feel a bit more powerful, like I know which word I’m going to insert at each given point, so that’s a nice confidence booster.

An hour has passed, and all I’m doing right now is smiling and just chillin and hanging out. I want to keep this mood man! It feels pretty damn good, I’m shaking, I got energy and my hands feel a bit shakey as I type all this.

I’m trying to wonder how much I took, because maybe I’m not getting the full effects. I took one tab, which Stephen said was 10mg, and I kept it under my tongue for around 2 minutes or so before swallowing it. I’ve heard there’s no discernible difference, however, this was from users who’ve done it a long time. It’s really not that important, but I hope I stay nice and high for the duration of the intended trip.

1:01AM: Still chillin. Talking to myself as I’m navigating through everything. I feel my words are flowing while I don’t see anything new or unusual yet, no hallucinations are really coming up.

I feel pretty happy overall, except one thing – a general sense of loneliness and wanting to be with someone. I do not know if this means as a relationship or just as a means of companionship. I just feel a bit empty inside, I think I always have been, and maybe that’s just part of who I am and I have to accept that.

I am tearing up a little bit while writing. Interesting. First time I’ve felt any mood other than happiness for a while! (Laughter on my end.)

Good to know I can make myself laugh still.

1:07AM: Damn holy shit! My mood still good. It may be coming down though not sure. I’m feeling a little sad or maybe I just don’t feel physically 100% right now due to cough/ dizziness. Regardless, I’ll be fine.

1:57AM: Wow, holy shit. I am feeling a mixture of emotions. I’m going from up and down to up and down constantly, it seems. I’m riding the wave.

Still shaking some. Especially when typing. Especially when self-aware? Not sure exactly. Something to do with the heart.

The root of my problems are a lot more deeper than I thought huh.

I should just play the poker and be like how much do I win how much do I lose just from playing pretty much optimally. IDK it seems like fun.

seems like something to do while passing the time wondering how to fill the gaping hole in my heart 😦 😦 :(.

cry cry cry LOL in one end I’m laughing at my self for feeling so bad about myself, but on the other end I’m actually really sad.

I wish I could just BE. without always needing to balance or smth. 😦

It’s ok. I had some happy times now I deserve to have some unhappy. That’s just how it is.

4am: Wow that was a crazy trip, I went from up and down and up and down, I want to do it again, but maybe with someone, or a group of people. This just felt so lonely.

This has been a learning few months for me. I would never have thought a couple of years ago, even a few months ago that I would be working overnights at a gas-station job.

Honestly, I don’t really like the work. My boss seems subtly controlling; it doesn’t help that I have spent so much time reading about narcissism the time I’ve been there. However, it’s allowed me a small amount of financial freedom that’s really manifested in the form of smoking weed.

I’m kinda burnt out by the weed to be honest. I’m starting to get frustrated at everything — in fact, just when I wrote that is when I went on Facebook to avoid. It’s all just a part of avoiding, the weed. It’s a solution for my ever-going madness, but a destructive one.

What else was I going to say? Not much. There is no point in this post.

Sometimes I just wish I could trust people for God’s sake.