Another day with the sunshine, another day with something left to prove. Wondering what my next move should be, if there is really even anywhere to go.

I was in the biggest equity spot of my life yesterday. $250 GPP in a FanDuel tournament with $1 million to first. I was hoping for the best and expecting the worst. I’m okay with my plays but it didn’t turn out. Fading DeAndre Hopkins against a weakened 2017 49ers secondary was not the right move.

Unpaid parking tickets off the wazoo, bitcoin transaction not in yet, hanging out and just living life to the least fullest. Oh, what a joy to be alive.

I almost lost a cat.

Patrick, my landlord / the guy I’m renting a room in, has two cats. One of them’s name is Roast Beef. He’s a really adventurous little fella who climbs into my bed every time my door is open, meows the sweetest little purr, and jumps in and rubs his black fur against any surface he can find.

So I left the house at around 1am on the 10th (Sunday) to grab some water bottles from the car. As I left, I saw Roasty wag its little tail with me outside, sneaking out like a little muhfucker. Keep in mind that Patrick had already warned me a couple of times to make sure he doesn’t leave and to hold onto the door so that his little catty butt doesn’t make its way into the big bad world.

On this snowy night, I saw the cat venture onto a small, wooden part of the front yard, right below the porch and the wooden deck. It was hiding out and being a cute little thing. I tried to get him back out but he clawed at me a couple of times. Me, not knowing how cats operate, retreated. How dare the little cat claw at me! He growled a couple of times, similar to a tiger or a lion waiting for its prey. Its eyes became huge and I had to think of how to get him inside.

I googled “how to get a cat to come to you” and saw something about wrinkling the baggage of treats and conditioning him to come to the treat. So I went inside and started looking for treats; I found one in the cabinet room and came outside.

Except he wasn’t there.

Ugh, I kept digging around in the little garden-y front porch. I went inside to grab a bowl with water. I kept caling out “Rooooasstyyyy! rooooasty!” to no avail.

I didn’t really panic. In fact, the only thing I could think of is twitter posts from self-help dudes who say “leaders need to be able to understand urgency.” All I could think about was, why am I not being urgent right now? which kind of made me a little bit more urgent. My calls became a little bit louder, but not too loud as to wake everyone up.

Then, I noticed there were little kitty footsteps in the snow going towards the back of the house. I followed the footsteps that led to the steps on the back porch. Nothing. Towards a trash bin the footsteps ended, and I didn’t see footsteps pointing back, but roasty just wasn’t there.

I started panicking and left a voicemail. “Hey Patrick, this is *defeated voice* Kevin,” I said, describing the situation. “It’s 2:20am right now, I’ve been looking for Roast Beef for a while and I can’t find him.”

As soon as I clicked the red “End” button on my phone, I saw a little head pop up from underneath the deck. It was Roasty. He’d been hiding under the deck, cold as can be from the freezing temperatures, looking for a place to cozy up and stay safe.

I took a big sigh of relief as he saw me head towards the door and followed me into the door, safe and sound.

A word about projection.

Projecting is the act of assuming one’s own qualities onto others. Because one has a certain characteristic or thought or feeling about something, they automatically assume, aka “project,” the same qualities onto another target person.

The overall understanding of this quality is, in my opinion, one of the most important distinctions to make for anyone to make. All humans, at least the ones I meet, seem to project in one way or another, whether it be as simple as reading someone’s face and saying “you like strawberries” or the little kids’ retort in the recess playground, “I know you are, but what am I?”

Catching yourself before projecting is something I do quite often. Because I am a bit slower to learn new things and view myself as quite unintelligent, I tend to notice when people are being exactly that and I feel the need to point it out. Obviously I have emotionally matured to the point where I keep it to myself and forget about it, but in my younger days I pointed it out far too frequently and got myself in a lot of socially displeasing positions, and thus spent a majority of my time alone.

Even now, I see people projecting all the time. For example, one of my friends said to another one of my friends today in a group chat, “Dude, you’re always so negative.” This was coming from the most pessimistic person I know, who spends most of Sundays texting me complaining about things out of his control constantly and airs negativity out onto others. (Yes, he is insufferable, but he is still a friend.)

The problem with understanding this projection is that, at least for me, you become curious and wonder if every little thing is a projection. For example, is me pointing out that my friend is negative actually pointing out my own flaw that I am negative? Am I actually the bad guy in this scenario because I’m projecting?

The answer is, as in most cases, yes and no. I may be projecting to some degree because I am negative, but I am not that negative to the degree of complaining about things that are out of my control constantly.

That also makes it true that one can be projecting and also be making true statements. I like burritos, therefore I may project that someone else, who has certain similar qualities as I, also likes burritos, and that can be true. Of course, opinions can change, and feelings are not facts, so I am careful not to use that language to make it so that this is not the case.

Most importantly, one needs to understand that projection is done by most humans, as I stated before. I am not immune to it, and neither are you. It is a psychological characteristics that makes us human. It is what makes assuming so dangerous. It is one of the single most common tactic of narcissistic human beings to devalue you. Understand it, be careful, you are not immune, and most of all, “I know you are, but what am I?”

Got fired from work today. Pretty much deserved it. Some regrets, hasn’t fully hit me yet, I didn’t want to be there at all so I’m glad I did. I may regret not trying harder later but man, I didn’t feel like I fit in there at all. Fuck corporate culture, dude. Let me make do my own thing, let others adapt to me rather than me adapt to them.

Funny how David always whistles after something bad happens to someone else, I should have caught it when he asked me to change the password. Hindsight is 20/20 though and I gotta be faster at catching stuff like that.

In the meantime, I’ll just count my bitcoin and look for something else while just

Fell asleep early last night and forgot to post. I was going to post something about projection but I have something else in mind.

Yesterday I bought 0.05 of bitcoin for $660. It was, to some degree, an impulse purchase as I do not know much about bitcoin at this point. What I do know is that it’s the oldest member of the blockchain technology, it is being used as payment for many online websites and companies, and its graph has been going nothing but up. Many deem it the future of currency or something to that effect.

I’m honestly more intrigued by other cryptocurrencies such as ethereum but do not know much about them, either. I did end up buying 1 ethereum as well, and we can see how that goes.

I’ve been thinking about bitcoin for a while now but still do not know much, as I just started listening to podcasts about bitcoin. It’s just a small skin in the game, of course, but learning about how miners can only mine a small 1mb chunk at a time may prove to be useful later on down the line, perhaps. I believe the right move was to indeed invest and I will continue on down this path and invest even more of my income down the line.

I’ve been online all day and doing nothing.

Honestly, I need to create something to look forward to. Perhaps meditating will do the trick; in fact, I will meditate tomorrow morning.

Lots of feelings of loneliness, I need to find a therapist, or some friends, or just something. I want to have actual friends and not just people I dominate over or get dominated over. Narcissism sucks, man.

What did I do today?

I went to work. There was not much work. I did a few things for the managers but chilled mostly, finished an arrival notice and just took care of a few things.

I just want to contribute, but I’m currently just not that knowledgeable or even good at my job. That’s the truth – I’m just quite unproductive right now due to my tendency to make mistakes. I know that. I need to just suck it up, deal with it and just keep on trying my best.

I heard David GJN talk to Dennis on the phone. I overheard him talk about me, or at least I think. He said things to the tune of “well, he’s trying and he’s doing his best and he’s a smart kid so that’s what’s up.” That made me feel pretty damn good about myself and got my hopes and spirits up a little bit.

I didn’t do too much though, and towards the end of the day, I was doing nothing, mostly just sitting around and being on my phone. When it was 6 o’clock, I turned my computer off and asked if I could leave, they said “yes, you can leave,” so I did. There was no work, but I felt guilty. Maybe I should have stayed until the rest of them were up to something. I should have stayed as a part of the team. Teamwork. Togetherness. But I had no work so I just kinda left. IDK.

Regardless, it was a long day. When I came home I just hung out and talked with Danny from the PTCGO chat. We had a conversation about some decks that turned into him saying “solid eh” at the end, and I added saying “so we’re Canadian eh” and he said “I’m human eh” and I said “That’s what an alien would say.”

Lol this story is shit, but that’s why I’m starting to write now. Anyway, that ended up with him posting the screenshot in the chat and Danny saying I was really cool while Golfboy was like “aw I wish I could be friends with him.” Golfboy kept annoying me and I posted in the chat, “how do you block someone on discord?” and he spazzed out a little bit.

That wasn’t cool on my part. I was the one causing the drama there. He was just trying to be friendly. At the same time, he is annoying. But at the same same time, I’m no better by causing the drama on a 14 year old kid anyways.

I’m so lonely.

I want to have a desire to improve.

I want to get better and become a better human being overall. I don’t want to be stuck in here and do nothing all day.

I am waiting for things to happen rather than enacting upon things and doing things myself. I am wasting my time. I know this. I know what to do in order to get better.

But for some reason, I decide not to. I decide to do nothing all day instead, because that’s what I want. I don’t want to spend time with people. I want to be by myself, because nobody else cares or understands. (People say they care, but all they seem to do is give me things and talk about themselves instead of actually listening to what I have to say.)

I need to see a therapist, I think. I have a lot of problems.

Cheng Shi was a Chinese warrior lady in who lived from 1775(?) to the mid 1800’s.

She worked as a prostitute until, in the early 1800’s, married a Chinese pirate mogul then took over his business and became one of the most powerful women in the world.

She made it big, came from nothing.

That shit’s so hot, man. I can’t believe that’s the first thing that I can think of, but damn.

I didn’t read too much about her. I just saw the wikipedia article and couldn’t find a documentary on her or anything like that.

Why are women in power so under-represented and under-reported? Is it just because she’s a woman? Is she famous in China, and if so, is she more represented and thought of in Chinese media?

I’m not sure. But if she can rise to the top with her great organizational and leadership skills, then who’s to say I’m not?

---

I’m just tired, man. I don’t have much to look forward to currently. I’ve been in bed all day, eating spicy dweji gohggi and a big mac. Sleep schedule’s fucked up too, and I still have to stay up late to get Josh’s items.

I just don’t want to be a slave to the game, man. I don’t want to play this corporate rat race. I want to play my own game.

But if I want to play my own game, I at least have to learn the rules of the game that I’m forced to play, pay my dues.

I am good at reading people, though. I understand psychological patterns and tendencies. I can spot them out.

I did have a dream where we were going to draft for a fantasy football season-long league, in a snake draft format. Within the dream, I’d gone to somebody’s house – somebody nerdy who had rich parents. Dan, Gagnon, and a larger dude with glasses — not sure who it was? — was there. I think it was his house.

Anyway, Peter Jennings was there. I was making my play – I picked Todd Gurley as the fourth or fifth pick after there was confusion about what was being picked. Suddenly, I looked up and realized my friends, presumably Dan, Gagnon etc. were all gone, and I was alone with all these dudes, including Peter Jennings, just chillin, not doing much. It was then that I realized everyone else had left without me, and when I made my pick of Gurley, nobody said anything, and I asked Peter what he had picked, and he didn’t look up and just said his pick.

That’s all I really remember – and loneliness. Constant feeling of being the only person in the room.. something I’ve felt all of my life, really.

It should be said that I believe Peter has a  younger brother and a younger sister, and that my manager at work also has that same sibling dynamic. I think that was telling me that the correlation, or the parallel or whatever, was something my subconscious is trying to tell me.

What is that? I don’t know. That’s how it was presented to me. The meaning I’m not sure.

But I do know that I need to man up, sack up, take action, and not be a bitch anymore. Embrace the positives, let go of the negatives like cumicon said.

I don’t know. I’m just sad and lonely right now speaking into a blog, so who’s the one bitching now?

I bet it means something that it plays into Cheng Shi’s awesomeness is the first thing that came into my timeline, how she was such an amazing woman who came into power and facilitated an international trading/pirating line.

Maybe I just deserve to be this lonely all of my life.

I hate my job.

I really fucking do. I hate so much about my job.

Not everything. My job has awesome benefits. I get paid reasonably well – $35,000 a year is nothing to laugh at. I get free lunch, pretty damn good Korean food from a variety of choices. We have a coffee machine, and it’s a small team so communication is pretty easy.

But I hate the work, and I just feel like I don’t fit in at all. I try, I keep trying to make conversation, and talk about things that are interesting or that they would find interesting, whether it be bitcoin or Korean things or whatever. But I think the language barrier is the thing most in play here.

The two managers are Korean-American, but the GM – it’s just us 4 in the office – is almost fully Korean. We speak basically only Korean in the office. I have very little confidence speaking Korean, in fact I have very little confidence speaking period. I have very little confidence, period. Maybe that’s the real issue here.

Actually, that definitely is the real issue here.

I am not proactive enough. I am not out there trying to make things happen because I simply have no desire for this job itself. I don’t want a career in this industry right now, I do not want to spend 9-6 every single day for years and years doing meaningless freight forwarding work that has no real implications on society.

I don’t know. There are a lot of issues. I have a lot of issues. I have narcissistic tendencies and have no friends. I’m boring and I am not very organized right now, nor am I very accurate or trustworthy at this stage of my life.

But I just feel like an outsider in so many places even though I just try to be myself.

I have a lot of issues and my head is not organized right now. I suck. I have low self-esteem. I hate 90% of what my work is and that does not help in the slightest.