Just had a dream where I won. The other person died. I guess I have to lose.

bye bye

Actually

You saved me from going under again

I saved you from me

Win/win

See you again soon, if you want

Friend

I did a dumb thing today I forgot I wasnt in Miss Kinnians class at
the adult center any more like I use to be. I went in and sat down in my old
seat in the back of the room and she lookd at me funny and she said Charlie
where have you been. So I said hello Miss Kinnian Im redy for my lessen today
only I lossed the book we was using.
She started to cry and run out of the room and everbody looked at me and I
saw alot of them wasnt the same pepul who use to be in my class.
Then all of a suddin I remembered some things about the operashun and me
getting smart and I said holy smoke I reely pulled a Charlie Gordon that
time. I went away before she came back to the room.
Thats why Im going away from here for good to the Warren Home school. I dont
want to do nothing like that agen. I dont want Miss Kinnian to feel sorry for
me. I know evrybody feels sorry for me at the bakery and I dont want that
eather so Im going someplace where they are a lot of other pepul like me and
nobody cares that Charlie Gordon was once a genus and now he cant even reed
a book or rite good.
Im taking a cuple of books along and even if I cant reed them I’ll practise
hard and mabye I’ll even get a littel bit smarter then I was before the
operashun without an operashun. I got a new rabits foot and a luky penny and
even a littel bit of that majic powder left and mabye they will help me.
If you ever reed this Miss Kinnian dont be sorry for me. Im glad I got a
second chanse in life like you said to be smart because I lerned alot of
things that I never even new were in this werld and Im grateful I saw it all
even for a littel bit. And Im glad I found out all about my family and me. It
was like I never had a family til I remembird about them and saw them and now
I know I had a family and I was a person just like evryone.
I dont no why Im dumb agen or what I did rong. Mabye its because I dint try
hard enuf or just some body put the evel eye on me. But if I try and practis
very hard mabye I’ll get a littel smarter and no what all the words are. I
remembir a littel bit how nice I had a feeling with the blue book that I red
with the toren cover. And when I close my eyes I think about the man who
tored the book and he looks like me only he looks different and be talks
different but I dont think its me because its like I see him from the window.
Anyway thats why Im gone to keep trying to get smart so I can have that
feeling agen. Its good to no things and be smart and I wish I new evrything
in the hole world. I wish I coud be smart agen rite now. If I coud I woud sit
down and reed all the time.
Anyway I bet Im the frist dumb persen in the world who found out some thing
inportent for sience. I did somthing but I dont remembir what. So I gess its
like I did it for all the dumb pepul like me in Warren and all over the
world.
Goodby Miss Kinnian and dr Strauss and evrybody…
P.S. please tel prof Nemur not to be such a grouch when pepul laff at him
and he woud have more frends. Its easy to have fiends if you let pepul laff
at you. Im going to have lots of fiends where I go.
P.S. please if you get a chanse put some flown on Algernons grave in the bak
yard.

A week since I dared to write again. I don’t know where the time
goes. Todays Sunday I know because I can see through my window the people
going into the church across the street. I think I laid in bed all week but
I remember Mrs Mooney bringing me food a few times and asking if I was sick.
What am I going to do with myself? I cant just hang around here all alone
and look out the window. Ive got to get hold of myself. I keep saying over
and over that Ive got to do something but then I forget or maybe its just
easier not to do what I say I’m going to do.
I still have some books from the library but a lot of them are too hard for me. I
read a lot of mystery stories now and books about kings and queens from old
times. I read a book about a man who thought he was a knight and went out on an
old horse with his friend. But no matter what he did he always ended up getting
beaten and hurt. Like when he thought the windmills were dragons. At first I
thought it was a silly book because if he wasnt crazy he could see that windmills
werent dragons and there is no such thing as sorcerers and enchanted castles but
then I rememberd that there was something else it was all supposed to mean –
something the story didnt say but only hinted at. Like there was other meanings. But
I dont know what. That made me angry because I think I used to know. But I’m keeping
up with my reading and learning new things every day and I know its going to help me.
I know I should have written some progress reports before this so they will
know whats happening to me. But writing is harder. I have to look up even
simple words in the dictionary now and it makes me angry with myself.

Last post for a while

Abused Gamer Syndrome

It starts off small, with just a few polite words. Honestly, it’s mostly me faking being nice while knowing in the back that you’re the one running the show.

Every time I signal that the whale is approaching the table you appear. I don’t even have to say it, because even though you are not necessarily the one that makes the choices, you know where the money is. Deep Throat doesn’t need to make an appearance because you already conquered Watergate long ago.

I can’t resist your kiss as the lipstick gets all over my cheeks. I start to kiss your neck and kiss you slowly, a three second interval between each kiss, two inches apart every time.

It’s almost a minute and in my head I’m like “I want this RIGHT NOW,” to the point of where I just can’t fucking help it.

But I have to be patient, and I am, for your plump, perfect areola on your right breast is waiting for my lips to surround them. They do and my teeth sink ever so slightly onto your tit as I notice out of the corner of my eye that your eyes become slightly wider, and at the slightest shade of a red cheek, I get my right hand and rub your other nipple in between my thumb and index finger ever so slightly.

We are playing the game. You can’t moan, lol, and I see you folding your lips back and I immediately know that you’re holding your pleasure in. Do you even notice? Because that’s the point that I notice that we haven’t even gotten out of the parking lot, just standing there in between a couple of lightposts and a small, red car looking at us as if the headlights are on.

I reach back and look at you for a while, and you just stare back. We both know what we want right now.

“You gave me hope,” I whisper into her ear. Somehow – “what! THATS what gets you going? no way” – I think as I feel your right hand grab and squeeze my ass. But then the slip of the two fingers reaching into my back pocket.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I ask, as you smile and reply.

“Nothing!”

“Babe your wallet is in your fingers. I see it clear as day,” I say.

“This was part of the deal,” you reply.

Part of the deal, huh?

Part of the deal…

I can’t, haha. I don’t reply. I’m not in the mood anymore for some reason. You sense my apprehension and put your coat back on. I feel terrible. But now I can tell, this was your goal.

And you still have my wallet.

“I swear if you took anything…”

But of course, the forty dollars I’d actually saved for us to go to dinner, was what you’ve taken. I want to run after you, I really do, but in the back of my mind there’s a flash of red, a bloody knife, and a cut neck.

You’ve already walked away. I thought I was your ride, but you’re a pro, you have several arrangements. Honestly, this is not how it’s supposed to go. My throat starts to throb as I realize the victim will end up being me, not you.

“Of course I love you!” I say as you run into the street. Why did I even say that? I don’t even remember.

And of course now I do. “You don’t love me!” was what you’d said. But I reacted. I shouldn’t have even reacted. But I do love you – while that’s the farthest thing from your mind.

As the minivan rolls onto the highway and off to the street I think to myself, how did we get in this situation? I don’t even know. I thought it was cultivated from trust and love but it seems like that’s thrown out the window. But it seems I had broken the rule. Oops..

You’re not supposed to bite the forbidden fruit.

I’m just a retarded npc lol

Bought these new wireless headphones. They look cool and they’re pretty convenient and there’s no wire that goes around when I’m at the library reading these silly baseball books.

It comes with a square charger that opens with a clear cap. The charger itself is around 2″x2″ish and the cap itself is kinda fragile. It’s easily open/closable, but I make sure that it’s closed just to make sure it’s safe and that my headphones are protected in case of extra debris coming out from the outside.

It’s pretty cool that the headphones fit right into the charger without major issues. I kind of like the clicking sensation it makes and the headphones fit perfectly into the hole of the charger. Once it’s inside you can close the lid and there’s a small, bluish light that comes on the backlit of the clearness of the box.

The only problem is that I lost the charger for the battery charger -_-;; haha. I keep forgetting that while the headphones themselves need to be charged, the battery charger itself needs to be charged too. It’s probably a good idea to get a new charger for the battery charger, since the battery charger by itself only lasts a few days.

I think I’m learning how to better integrate different parts of myself into a whole being. The general aspects of my being are still intact, and will always be, but there are certain things I can feel in myself that are simply growing.

First off, a thank you. I guess people just think of myself as some manipulative fuck, and… unfortunately, I guess I am. Though, yes – manipulation occurs in all shapes and forms, when one’s inherent nature is to get things done through those types of means, it can be quite destructive to other people. I think it’s best to understand that with great power comes great responsibility, or at least, great personal willpower that must be tamed for better or worse.

In fact, throwing fireballs may be inherent to my nature. *PK Fiyah* I suppose there are some people who simply just can’t handle the force of being that I am. Unfortunately, this sounds a bit too poetic and narcissistic, but it simply seems to be true – at least on first instinct. But in reality, I’m just a nice guy.

I often wonder how much of an impact our Facebook escapades actually have had on people in real life. Our friend group back then was just serial trolling, and even though it happened so damn long ago, so many people watched/read/commented/liked our posts and our methods of interaction, we battled hard, man. Psychological battles were really centered on wittiness and just plain drama. Holy crap, bro. Like Nicky said. We been through… a lot, man. We really have. The methods we used for psychological welfare were short but sweet and over long periods of time and simply well-documented simply due to the amount of attention we were getting.

I wish I knew what exactly the point of what I’m typing all of this out is. I have been struggling with my sexuality for some time, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I probably am gay. However, my thoughts don’t coincide with these feelings so I am still unsure. You know what they say, call a person a pig a hundred times, the 101st time they will oink. (Where the fuck did I get this from?) It’s kind of lazy but easy to say that I’m bisexual… this’ll be what I have to go with. (End gaslighting here lmao!)

But at the end of the day, who the fuck cares? We live life. Good things happen, bad things happen. Happiness, sadness, anger, grief, relief, lust, euphoria, rest, contain. Opening and closing the communication barriers between us in order to understand, love, exploit, create, destroy, to think, to moralize. For me, for inner peace and external love. For some others, to create. For yet others, to move ahead, make money. For some others, to persevere, to love themselves. And for others, to be happy.

Yet, don’t we all want all of these things? It may not be our paths, but who doesn’t want great things, who doesn’t have goals in their lives? Who doesn’t work hard?

In some ways, we are all one, we are all together. That’s my path, and that’s who I am, always will be. The identification of some truths are what’s needed for a being like myself to move on. But no matter the actions, what it seems like on the outside – there is always a desire to give, a desire to – please?

I can feel Ryuk is watching from above, dropping death notes to those who he feels like deserves them. Thank you, Ryuk. But at this point, I must renounce my notebook. Kira came at it as a form of justice, while for me it’s just a killer mindset with a blue heart and a rainbow soul. I don’t have the necessary requirements to kill – I can only get them close. But I cannot finish it, because my heart contains the highest power of them all.

Who CAN finish it? Well, Adam Lanza was unable to break his early childhood traumas. With some proper love from his father, and maybe just an inkling of “hey, I care” then maybe he would have had second thoughts about his incredibly carefully planned out premeditated murder. Cho-Seung Hui, an incredibly kind and sociable fellow who was constantly deemed weird because his personality did not meet traditional Korean standards, looked for that one last hope of love before descending into killer status.

My job is to make sure that doesn’t happen, to preserve parts of the human race, to use my knowledge for the betterment of the world. The truth will set us free.

Because – at least in the human realm – love is the answer.