Wish I had friends who would stage an intervention for me, but I passed that bridge a long time ago.

I really hate myself. I hate everything about myself, I wish I had never been friends with Liotti, I wish I had more self confidence, I wish I could do things better.

When somebody’s entire conversation tactic is “I’m better than you, I’m better than you, I’m better than you,” that’s the type of person I DON’T want to be around.

Sure a lot of people are like that on the inside but when they feel the need to constantly shove it in your face, it’s just a fucking pain, inside and out.

Please leave me alone, jesus christ.

When you realize somebody’s true intentions – even though you knew it all along and just went along for the ride – you realize they are actually kind of a piece of shit.

But you have to realize that people don’t do that for no reason. You probably pissed them off one way or another, and they are getting back at you.

Make sure to be good to people, Kevin.

OH NO I SHOULD BE A HUGE ASSHOLE TO EVERYONE

nah dude LMAO

Do your thing. Learn for once. NO, JUST FUCKING IGNORE EVERYONE LMAO.

Just be careful not to take what people say for granted.

Work hard. NO, JUST BE A LAZY PIECE OF SHIT LMAO

No you doghorse just understand that you will NOT BE ALONE. PEOPLE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU. Listen to them.

Writing doesn’t have to be completely monolithic.

However, art does have its own forms.

Prevailing in challenges that life gives you is what it’s all about. Taking responsibility for yourself, doing what you need to do in order to advance yourself in the ways that you wish to.

However, I struggle with this quite a bit. I am a 25-year old male still stuck in his parents’ house unable to get a job and be the person that I know I can become.

I see the future. I see myself owning a small business working with clients and solving small challenges every single day. I see myself being worth a lot, not having many friends but enough to make my life satisfied. I see myself with a wife and three daughters all being successful in their own ways; one of them hates me but the other two adore me, and I give all the love I can back to them, because that’s what it’s all about.

But in order for these images to materialize, I need to work towards it.

In fact, I want to work towards it, the sense of responsibility of these people, maybe not in a work sense, but the fact that I am capable of taking care of these people, of loving them, of being there for them. That’s what I want in my life.

so apparently I am an INFJ

what now?

I need to find something that I

Ni: WANT to do that

Fe: involves OTHER PEOPLE

I was extremely humbled by the last couple of months. I think my subconscious mind wanted to find out my type for so long that I wanted to do it “together” and I pulled nhu into this mess.

honestly I did not have any intention for harming at all consciously, but it seems I have to better master my subconscious mind.

“narcissist” has a whole new meaning to me now.

I need to watch the fuck what I say.

What’s next? Exploration of how the four minds work, what a substance does to your mind, etc. Neuro-science?

What the birthdays have to do with anything? Is numerology actually real?

Why don’t I just ask?

Chase typed me as ISTP

But maybe I have reason to doubt otherwise

• First, was I born ISTP or did it change
  • I definitely use Ni and Ti to some degree, NOW
  • But back then maybe I was an Ne user, with inferior Ni
• I think types are not set in stone and especially for people on the cusps of each month, the types can be different

– Definitely worked on Ti a lot while growing up

• Maybe when I meet somebody that I like this much / manipulated me ?? into thinking like this I go into my Fi
• It has nothing to do with manipulating

I worked on Ti a lot while I was young too, so overall my functions

Ti – high

Te – low

Ne – IDK

Ni – medium, high

Si – low

Se – pretty high

Fi – low

Fe – higher than Fi

This is where the definition of Ne and Ni come in, of course, because I could just be Ne-Ti-Fe-Si aka ENTP who has pretty strong Ni, and forced to develop Se throughout childhood? But that doesn’t make sense because my Se is pretty high.

Se-Ti-Fe-Ni also makes sense aka ESTP. I have pretty well developed Ti and Se at this point and I do definitely think my Fe is more developed than my Ni.

This would result in trickster Fi which means I think I have morals but actually don’t

And I have no concept of what anyone wants ever with Ne demon

This seems to make sense, I am never sure about my own feelings

Yup, I’ve convinced myself I’m an ESTP at least born ESTP

I’m actually quite introverted at the moment though so I could be in my ISTJ shadow using Si subconscious, maybe with little to no knowledge of unconscious Ne ENFP

This seems to make the most sense to be honest because I come up with random ideas all of the time but I don’t know where they come from.

Maybe my Ne is just developed to some degree as well, so I’m on sort of an ENFP/ESTP “cusp”

INFJ/ISTJ subconscious, that would mean.

Will have to sort these thoughts out later

I am coming back home from Korea.

Currently in a lounge in China. Don’t feel like I deserve to be here. I didn’t work a day in my life for this. It is nice but next time I need to pay for it myself.

I had an alright time. I didn’t do anything, really, just went around from place to place and helped people move and just was in the moment and fucked around. This is basically my life so far, directionless thought and action.

I need to grow some balls.

Landed in China.

Thirteen-hour flight, and in the midst of a 19-hour layover here in Beijing. Good shit, man. I finished around three-fourths of Kafka on the Shore. A lot of metaphysical awareness is on the forefront.

Not too much going on here, my brain feels more empty than anything.

What have I learned from being in China for the past few hours?

Nothing special. It seems I scare people away on impact. It is probably because of my energy or how I look.

There are very few people in the Beijing airport at 2-10pm at night.

The most annoying thing is that there are websites blocked in China, like Twitter, DraftKings, google, YouTube, etc. It is odd that these websites that I consider a very everyday occurence in my life is not available. It must be that I am dependent on these websites to some degree. That is some bullshit indeed on my part.

St. John’s, I was just chillin, some guy comes up to me and says “Haha you *chink*? Oriental?* I don’t even remember what it was he called. Some guy in the back yelling, “Hey, we don’t do that at St. John’s.” The first and likely the only time I’ve ever felt really accepted.

A thank you note, to Glenn Baginski.

Dear Glenn, it has been about ten years since we were in Ms. Chen’s Chinese class at St. John’s. I had a very rough time there(lol understatement). Of course you wouldn’t know what’s wrong with me or whatever, but shit you were really kind to me man, always. You were always really respectful. I can’t believe I said you called me a faggot or whatever or tried to ruin your reputation or whatever it was that I was doing. I can’t believe I was that selfish and as much as I would like to say I’ve changed I don’t really think I have. You actually gave me the best advice that day when I was about to get mad, you told me “it isn’t worth it.” I should have taken the advice then, but I didn’t. Since then I take that into consideration in my head every single time.

Thanks for being there man. We may not have known each other a whole lot, but you had a big impact on my life. I should have been more respectful of you and others. I am trying to improve on that every day. I hope you’re having a great life.