Trying out a new writing style.

Another day and another night has passed as it’ll mark almost two months’ worth at my new job.  Six more days will make it two months and then another month means I’ve finally swept enough floors, made enough hash browns and breakfast sandwiches to earn 5% of my money back as a rebate in forty years’ time. How exciting.

The job is fairly easy and requires very little work. Most of my eight hours are spent sitting next to the bathroom as I shrink into the corner to read and learn about dystopian societies and birth order or simply watch a shitload of mindless YouTube videos. Of course, customers come in, and at this point I’m pretty much accustomed to and know everyone that comes into the store. It is good pay, and if I had something to do during the excessive down time, it would be soooo much better.

It’s been a good month.

Let’s make it a better one.

 

Notes

• Korea Short Track is fucking BOSS
• Money money money
• Several options
• 😉

a desire to have supportive ones around me,

a desire to support myself, rather than covert ways to making me give up when things don’t go right;

life is not all right or wrong, all good or all bad, Parents. whole object relations may not be something I may experience always from those closest; a full life may be quite difficult

just perhaps wishing to know struggles are real and need to get through them instead of having other people solve them instead,

I was not parented properly yes, but now it is my own responsibility.

 

**WHEN YOU KNOW THINGS BUT DON’T KNOW THINGS FUCK ME**

a desire to express music in words

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that’s the best I’ll get,

time to grow up.

Pete Maravich, in a 1974 interview with the Beaver County Times, said: “I don’t want to play 10 years in the NBA and die of a heart attack at age 40.” He played pro ball for 10 years, from 1970 to 1980, and died of a heart attack Tuesday in Pasadena, at 40.

“On January 5, 1988, Maravich collapsed and died of heart failure at age 40^[29] while playing in a pickup basketball game in the gym at First Church of the Nazarene in Pasadena, California, with a group that included evangelical author James Dobson. Maravich had flown out from his home in Louisiana to tape a segment for Dobson’s radio show that aired later that day.

Dobson has said that Maravich’s last words, less than a minute before he died, were “I feel great. I just feel great.”

Post I made from a couple of years ago that I didnt end up posting. Summer of 2016.

 

I’ve been pretty bad with this whole concept of self-improvement. All throughout my life I’ve been reluctant to continue on with things; perhaps this is from my early childhood memories of lies and projecting fakeness, where I think I’m good and lie to myself as such, and don’t end up improving. I think it might also have to do with the narcissism that was developed at an early age that continues on due to my lack of responsibility. I mean, I’ll get over it one day, right? (Right.)

The one thing I HAVE been good at, though, at all points of my life, is merchanting. Simply put, it’s the ability to flip items: buy them at a low price, sell for high. Mainly encompassing easy items to sell, of course. My sophomore year of high school was filled with buying iPods, CD players, whatever else I could at cheap prices and selling them for higher. The margins weren’t amazing; 30 bucks here, 20 bucks there; and I didn’t really keep track of my earnings. But hell, it was fun. I loved how the seller was always willing to sell, and the buyer was always willing to buy. The transactions and the happiness of each party always made it worth it. Yet, the best feeling was, of course, all about the money.

Maybe not even the money itself, because I never really spent it on anything extravagant. I’m a pretty simple guy. Aside from the essentials – shelter, food – if I have a weighted keyboard I could pretty much do anything and be content with life. (Is that too much to ask!?) But damn, the fact that I’m able to spot the price discrepancy from low to high, and pocket myself that difference due to MY work is just so fun. It feels, almost, like trickery, like I outsmarted everyone.

This eventually becomes true from a larger scale. When you create a business, it’s yours. You built that bad boy from the start up. It doesn’t have to be anything huge, it can just be a simple idea that you fabricate and express into the world. You become responsible for every little part of the process: the handling of the inventory, the picking out each little expense using fiscal understanding, the thank-you notes you handpick into every little envelope. It becomes ingrained in you. The process is a chore, but it’s your chore. It’s financial, emotional and logical independence.

So you can imagine the disappointment I had when I sold off my Pokemon cards today. I spent all summer on eBay buying and selling Pokemon cards; I’d created a pretty good business model, opened up a Store and huffed and puffed through all the little fees to make a decent living over the summer. But school has started; I’m a super senior, and I only have two more classes to go before I need to go out into the real world and be, like, independent. I can’t live in my parents’ basement anymore! (Even if Mom really wants me to get a job near home.)

Yeah, it was a bunch of old Pokemon cards I have no use for. I still have my old holographic cards left, so it’s not like my entire childhood has been compromised.

But this decision wasn’t financial. It sure as hell wasn’t emotional. It’s about understanding where my life has come so far, embracing the new card smell that I’ve enjoyed for so long and learning to let it go and start a life full of responsibilities and financial liabilities and heartbreaks and social connections and friendships and love and what else have you. It’s about learning to live a better life without the things that just don’t matter anymore.

It’s not always about the profit margin or the ROI. It’s about establishing a different kind of goal – one not necessarily fueled by emotion.

It’s about saving time and learning to let it g, and I took a step in the right direction today.

Celebrated Gagnon’s engagement today.

Went to an escape room. Didn’t do shit. Scott did most of the work. I just sucked. Got drunk at Gagnon’s. Played poker and won $35.

I am drunk right now, too. It is 2:43am. I want to cuddle and hang out with a girl and laugh and just be happy and pour my heart out into her. I just want to become one. There is a specific one I have in mind. I do not know if it is legal. I don’t care. I just want to pour my god damn heart out for God’s sake.

 

Today I moved out of the New Jersey spot I was living in and moved back home.

It wasn’t a hard decision at all. It saves money and it makes my life more comfortable. But that also means that I’ll likely be hanging out and doing nothing for a longer period of time. That’s fine, but — shit, I really need to find something to actually do.

A few reactions spurred from this decision. First off, I decided to let Patrick keep the deposit. It is not really a big deal for me. A few hundred dollars isn’t much considering I may be back at a later time (probably not, to be honest, but w/e). Patrick is going through some surgeries in his ulcer and stomach at this time and I felt it was more important for him to have the money than I do, considering I am at a financially stable place right now. I feel really good about it and hope it goes to good use for the man. Good karma, I figure. However, business decisions made in the future perhaps need to be more money-oriented, especially because I simply don’t have a reason to invest in Patrick at all. $900 isn’t going to completely alter his life. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. It’ll be something I have to review as I go forward.

In addition, we went to Youngeun’s house for lunch. I had not met up with their family since I’d been in New Jersey. A lot of things happened, some obvious some not so obvious. Her dad, who’s that famous director guy in Korean sitcoms, suggested I become a music critic. It’s an interesting job and something I’ll have to research and consider. He was also a great storyteller. I also noticed a lot of family dynamics. Ahhh so much to think of and digest. I can go into all in detail if I want, but I really don’t. It has no meaning in my life. I find it interesting, but what’s the point? It doesn’t help me at all. David had to leave after a few minutes, but he was chill as always. He told us the story of Franzl Lang, a famous yodeler from the late 1900’s who worked as a coal miner but became a yodeler after discovering his talents. Pretty cool. The music made me pretty happy, no lie.

I wish there was a good, proper way to express my emotions.

I have not blogged every day like I said I would. It is becoming a problem. It should be more quality-driven, it should have more quantity. Excuses excuses, but none of them are justifiable.

So to some degree, I take my shame and hold it up high. But no matter. I am here to incessantly complain about my loneliness and desire for someone that I am not allowed, legally or ethically, to be associated with. It would not be fair to society nor my own sanity or even hers. But damn I am disappointed to some degree.

Honestly, I would like to develop and maintain feelings for another person and just cuddle and talk and argue and bitch and fight and make up and make love. If that is set, I feel like everything else will fall into place naturally — with ups and downs of course, but it seems that should be the main priority.

But something holds me back, I do not know what. All I know is that I need to find a source of income so I can move out and be my own person and stop watching bitcoin all the time.

Or do I?

Tomorrow is Christmas.

I’ve never really been a fan of Christmas. At an early age, I figured out that Santa wasn’t real and that there was no fat man coming down the chimney; we didn’t even have a chimney, for God’s sake. It may be part of Korean culture, but there was no fantasy of Santa Claus giving presents needed, as I didn’t feel like I needed much to begin with.

The spirit of giving is something that’s grown on me over time. When I was younger, I was always given things and pretty much unable to give anything back, just because I was so self-absorbed — even more so than other children — and because my mom doesn’t seem to like getting things. Even small things she would hate getting, such as an extra bowl of rice at the dinner table or a coupon to Kohl’s. But when she did get something special from me and Julia, whether it be a birthday card or a bouquet of roses, she’d appreciate it very much.

For me though, I don’t like to get things at all. I don’t feel as if I deserve it. I am still trying to work out whether this is part of shame or guilt. I would presume shame, as if I had proper self-esteem I would say I would deserve gifts given to me, and the other part is, of course, I’ve never really had many friends to exchange gifts with already.

I don’t dislike Christmas. We used to go skiing every year on the day, and we tried to make it a tradition. Well, my dad did until one year he just stopped going and we didn’t do it again. Refusal to commit runs in the family, I suppose. An extra day of freedom also never hurts – that’s the main reason I don’t mind it.

As I’ve grown older, I understand now the warmness that comes with giving and the thought of giving others what makes them happy. Unfortunately, I am better at knowing what makes other people unhappy than what actually makes them happy. Call it narcissism, whatever, IDC. But this is something I will have to learn properly over time.