September 17, 2020

to nhu

well i thought u knew. wtf did u expect?

i need a ‘same’ but ur naturale is a power dynamic

at this point every day i think of different ways to go out but i know i wont do it so i keep trying to block it out,

but at the end of the day

this is just another distraction from whats actually important

June 28, 2020

damn, it took me a while to realize that my mom is just simply a narcissist.

She has to have the upper hand in any situation and have to control me in any way possible in order to function as a human being. She is just a bad being in itself. I guess that’s what it means to have certain functions in your numerology.

But what does that mean, how does that fit into my own life?

I really thought I was a narcissist for a very long time :(. I really did, and I still have thoughts of being self-centered. Mom can literally only think about herself, she does not realize what she is doing right or wrong. She is just sucking up energy and wants sympathy for her bullshit all the time, just manipulative. But she is my mother. She wants to love! I have just been golden child-ed from the get-go. I have just simply received benefits.

She is my mother. I am like, legally, mentally obligated to love her. But I cannot, as she cannot love me in any way. She is too involved in her own self to care anything at all about her son.

So what can I do? When I am old, I have to take care of her. Lol, no I don’t. But holy shit, I wish to all god that she was not my mother in my life. Literally every interaction with her I feel like shit afterwards. If I’m going to have any form of self-love I need to detach myself from her shitty ways.

Unfortunately, this comes off as a narcissistic function myself. I have almost come to the point where I do not even care whether she lives or dies because of the damage that is done to me. However, I must learn to forgive, as for else I will not have any healthy relationships with my children either.

Not only must I forgive myself, I must forgive others, too. They are monsters because they are monsters, they are in this world for a reason too. I am just scared that I’ll get fucked over by someone like them but at least I know how to deal with them now. One must be careful and safe.

June 25, 2020

You know, to sit back and REALLY think about the posts that have been made on here, it’s pretty sad. I realize that I write on here when I’m at a down mood. Writing can be positive and helpful, but I am not sure why I decided to do that – perhaps because it is just easy and that became just habit. I could definitely write positive things, and I do from time to time. It is just that writing things out I am able to analyze my feelings more properly, huh. That would make a lot of sense.

June 22, 2020

I just want someone in my life I can be with, keep them safe, keep myself safe. However, since I am controlling, this means they will be in a difficult spot. I guess I just have to find someone who is willing to be ‘controlled’ and a bit more tolerant than most. That seems to make the most sense in finding the right partner. I think the biggest thing is that when I love I’m not that controlling, I just let things be. But hold on, let me clean my dick real quick LOL

June 21, 2020

Life isn’t too bad. Somehow, I’ve had hope inserted into me. The new upgrade has given some hope, lol. Sometimes, being robotic can be beneficial.

You know, to sit back and reflect on where I’ve been in life and how I am now, that shit’s really hard. To build a timetable of how things have gone to the point where I can do whatever I want is fucked up. I haven’t built anything for the future yet, even though I know I’m going to be fine. My moods will change, my thoughts will change, and my hearts will change. But I don’t know what to do, where to go. I’ve grown a lot. I’ve done a lot of things, but I’ve also… NOT done a lot of things. My confidence is not naturally high, so I have to be around people to make my ass feel better.

At some point you get used to the bullshit and you just deal with it.