It’s technically the 17th but it’s like 12:07pm. Don’t gotta be literal about everything.

I’m creeping my ex’s twitter and being bored as fuck. Holy hell, this quarantine has got even me going nuts. Let’s be real, when have I ever not been nuts, to some degree?

When people don’t even make an attempt to understand you, do you just leave them be, do you care, what do you do? I don’t know. I just want to find myself a good girl I can spoil and take care of. Excuse me while, I don’t even know.

Man, I’m reading through my old posts and realizing how much of a fucking bitch I can be. It’s honestly sad but a bit refreshing at the same time, knowing that I can come out of that and evolve into a better human being. It is also interesting how much of a fantasy world I was living in while I was at work at this shitty ass casino place. Honestly, most of the problems were my own doing. I made everyone around me miserable, and low key went Mrs. Gorf from the Wayside Stories series, turning everyone into a goddamn apple.

God, I was toxic. Even now I have a little bit of it, but I am slowly but surely peeling the toxicity off.

The biggest thing is really about doing what I can do for somebody else, and not just for myself. Clearly, I am not special in… really, any way. I have been low key coddled and spoiled for a long period of time. However, I do possess more street smarts than I give myself credit for simply due to the transformation experiences that I’ve gone through over the past twenty-six years.

Confidence will be a key in determining my future. I am currently at a state in my life, along with many others in this corona-filled world, in the midst of interesting twists and turns not only for myself but for others. I am constantly humbled through increasing of the knowledge of the metaphysical world, even though it is slow and steady.

I have never been a rabbit, I’ve always been a turtle that thinks he’s a fucking eagle or something lol. However, I am evolving. Like I told Chris yesterday, I’m a Charmeleon trying to become a Charizard, in the midst of evolution. But a Pokemon trainer seems to be the more realistic portrait of my being, the ability to become a different human.

I do not know what the point of writing this down is. It is very late. I just wanted to unleash some of my energy into something for the time being.

Lol @ my former self. Ya live and ya learn.

Dear Leslie,

I want to say I’m sorry, there are so many things I cannot really express my guilt,

It seems almost unfair for me to say such things because there are so many other people that are so much more deserving of giving you the love that you…. truly deserve,

and not some bullshit from myself.

Honestly you were nothing but kind to me

You were loving, we texted and you responded to me you gave me attention I gave you attention. My anger got to the best of me and I feel like that led to it…

We barely knew each other and this was like fucking 10 years ago and somehow I feel guilty. It is like I need to feel guilty.

You up there? God… I can see that you are loved and you were loved and they all wanted to be around you… and loved you…

I really hope nothing I said was the thing that got you there… I know to some degree it was and I keep doing that to people… and it is horrible I don’t want them to keep experiencing it…. love love love love love… please god help me love, I don’t want to fuck everyone up over and over again… 😦

I do feel weak, and useless, and empty right now. Not to mention sad.

I am doing nothing  to improve my life. I am sitting here doing nothing.

I need to make a change for everyone around me. I am you, I am we, I am everyone.

 

I had a blowup playing earlier today.

The problem is social acceptance. Just going off on everyone isn’t going to win me any favours.

I need to keep a level head, stop getting mad over everything, and honestly, just chill out.

Less weed would be helpful; some time by myself would also be so.

Perhaps less weed isn’t necessarily the best plan, but I don’t think I need too much of it right now. I need to find things to grind on and continue onto the path of goodness…

I don’t like myself right now. Everybody and everything pisses me off. Dad gets happy when he sees me angry and that pisses me the fuck off.

Fuck everybody I hate everything, why. 😦

Dear Gomo!

You had a big impact in my life. You taught me what I was all about and what I was doing right and wrong. I love you, you’re awesome. ❤

A truth that I’ve realized a long time ago but haven’t verbalized it.

I tend to want to vent online, in person, or whatever when I am sad. I am sad quite often and feel the need to vent a lot. However, since I haven’t done that much I tend to fill up entire blogs and twitter accounts with sad posts.

This does not mean I am sad all the time, but reading back on these blogs makes it seem like I’m the saddest person in the world.

I am sad, though. Especially right now. I just feel lonely. I feel like this is a constant; I called out from work again today, and I don’t know if I can really handle it… honestly, as long as I have money, who cares, right?

I do want to set up something that I can do for a long term scenario… blackjack and poker are good ways to do that. I do want to find other jobs cuz my job sucks ass right now.

I am also just sad.

it’s ok to be sad.

Spending a good amount of time alone.

 

Lonely.

Smart and stupid are my trigger words. Interesting.

I guess I’m just going to think of myself of that my entire life, huh?

No, that’s stupid. I just want to be smarter, and think more. That would be my inferior/aspirational function! My brain would be what would be my saving grace, at the end of the day. I must take care of it as much as I can.